My Nose Is Like an Electric Fan

This is a genuine filler unpaid post. When I toss and turn in bed, trying to get some room due to the missus's triangular sleeping habits (diagonally across the whole bed space), I often come to rest facing her. I might well then experience the grunting elbow/forearm smash, as my face is forced to turn away. When we were first married, I enquired as to why this was happening, and was told that it is because my (very ample, I am nasally well endowed, and have big feet, too!) nose is like a fan, blowing masses of cooling air across the room. Often, this sirocco like wind will become vortexed, and actually pick up objects from the room, and rotate them in a maelstrom, like a tornado. This is why I stopped leaving my false teeth to steep in a tumbler, as one night, the contents got picked up, and I ended up not only soaked to the skin, but also slightly bitten!
Now, what about my heavy breathing story, well, for years now I have been answering the phone to the wife's and my Filipina friends, and I have always had the impression that they had the hots for me, because I am such a Gods gift to women. My reason for this deduction was that they always seemed to have a husky heavy breathing deal going on as soon as they heard my voice. But, alas, my bubble has recently been burst, as I came to realise that the noise was caused by the horizontal nostrilization of the nasal passages causing a whirlwind in the phone mouthpiece. I am, of course, shattered by this knowledge, but it does explain why I have always got weird looks from other Filipina wives when I wink at them, knowingly. Actually, I am of course, lying, I never wink at other dudes wives, I merely have a twitching eyelid caused by nerve degeneration during my first marriage!